sweet-poo

I had a tough day and night….Almost I suffered from hell lots of pain and negative thinking. My eyes got heavy, I was almost silent….my mind my heart was silent…If I spoke that day/night just becoz of my brother.i don’t want he shd feel that I am suffering….although he knew everything. I wanted to walk alone in the road when it was dark. Well with all this feeling I came to my room…..i found that I don’t have keys so I have to ring the bell. My room mate opened the door. She told me that flowers in the table z for me. I was upset, I hardly concentrated on wat she said. I replied why and how?...her fiancé who just came back from UK had gifted me that sweet flower…well I never imagined flower from him. A red color flower(off course not rose…otherwise my room mate would have killed me)., with long stem and wrapped in the white color transparent plastic. In first look that flower looked me lonely just like me. I touched it and felt gr8. My tensions are gone. I was not thinking nay negative nymore. I liked tat flower very much. Thanks for giving it to me…..tat day I was so upset and that person gifted me a superb thing. I love flowers but now I don’t love them in bunch I love then if they r single. A single flower looks gr8. Independent, confident, sweet, ALONE, separate from crowd, always on waiting side. I will click and upload the snap of that lonely flower in the morning. I’m feeling relax now. Right now @ 9.41pm, in the dim light that flower is awesome. I think I can spend my life with them happily. They don’t speak but they teach u lot. They make u feel a lot withour saying a single word. Its amazing with any emotion in them they do such a gr8 job. Flowers are wonder made by God….No doubt in that

Everybody suffer from sleepless nights some or d other day/time. I was wide awake so many hours in my bedtime even though I was comfortable in bed. Suddenly I thought Why So????? Is this bcoz of work load? discomfort?? Heavy meal?. Answer came NOOO!!! I’ve been a good sleeper always, I can sleep for long long hours. Its my favorite time pass.  

 I don’t want to get out of my bed so I continued relaxing. and yeahhhhh the problem presented itself. My mind started going in the train of thoughts. Stopped @ some station to consolidate them and make sense. Restless, I slide out of my bed and headed for the my laptop. Connected it to internet and addressed few e-mails.

 Sleepless nights are not struggle for me. But why r they disturbing me? Yesterday night was memorable or I can better say impressive. I was thinking abt smthing that even I don’t know what. I was speechless, motionless or better I shd say helpless for anything.

 I’m unable to find a place to spell out whatever is in my mind, to shout on things which I don’t like, to laugh loudly if I want. Actually speaking I was trying to make myself more mature, well dressed, well natured, taking care of everbody now a days. So I do things that I like only when I am alone. Because somehow I got a surrounding where I can’t be as I’m. I don’t want to blame anybody for all this. Its me and my crazy mind only. You have to believe this.

 One example I love to watch movie but my parents are against this, well don’t ask me the reason. It is like that only. So I concluded something which I’m going to call as I learned it from my experience. I realized one thing that people (almost everybody) says they love freedom and they give freedom to their close-one’s related to them but actually its nothing like that. I heard most of my educated friends saying this. In actually, I noticed it that they mind it. Like for example all my love one mentioned me that Go and explore whereever u want to go. But if I plan all alone and tell them that I’m going to Bangalore alone or with some friends. Either they are going to stop me or going to mind it. When a father says to his 10 months child go and walk alone, fall down and again get up go…..He mean it!!! This is actual freedom where father is giving him to make mistakes and learn plus observing him to protect him from danger.

 So question is sleepless nights are gud or bad. For me it gives me time to do some meditation, time to talk to myself, ask ourself…wat am doing and where I’m going in my life. Is this what I expected from my life!!. Still my favorite time pass is sleeping, its impossible for me to be awake very late. Well gud or bad I should be thankful to my sleepless nights, because with it, an article came to my blog life.

After having a small but big discussion with one of my best friend in this universe, this is all going in my mind.

 I realized today that we all agree that CHANGE is gud and CHANGE is permanent…We all agree that we have to face the CHANGE no matter CHANGE is gud or bad, we have to accept it by default. We can’t run away from CHANGE.

 We admire CHANGE becoz it brings flavors, colors in life…same is the case with me also. I too use to think that CHANGE is gud otherwise life will be boring. But I realized it 2day that….I say like this…but when it comes to me…I am not ready to CHANGE myself….I don’t know why..but when I read my past I can collect situations where I failed to CHANGE for me.

 And when I am realizing it, it was too late. Today I am in need of a software which can read my mind and tell me whether I am a gud person or bad. Wat r d loop holes in me. What r those things that are in P1 priority for me to CHANGE otherwise I’ll loose smthing in my life. By heart I don’t want to loose anything but I am unable to stop it. If I can CHANGE myself I think it’ll work. But why I’m not changing. I think, I believe, I judge, I conclude, I choose but I fail to implement/execute it. I just want a software to remind me to implement this. Software that endlessly go on monitoring me and notify me d situation where I need to respond different so that I can’t mess up things. If I’m getting angry or I’m doing wrong that software will popup and warn me. I tried to do it without any software but I can’t. Becoz u can’t chage ur nature.

 Lets explore out where I’m falling. There is one situation in my day to day life @ office that will come almost daily. And my reaction to that situation is pre-defined by my mind so I react in that way. Now after my 2-3 reaction on that same situation on the same way. CHANGE occurs. To accept this CHANGE I have to program my mind to react to the same situation but keep in mind that things have been CHANGED, some environmental components are being CHANGED. But what is happening is as I am reacting on the same way only becoz its fast and probably…I am use to it. And after reacting, it strike me that CHANGE has occurred and I forgot to keep this in mind. Now how shd I avoid this????I want some program configured to tat situation so that it will remind me of the CHANGE.

 Right now I’m struggling with myself why I’m not accepting this CHANGE. I am seriously helpless. I want to make things work and its me only who will mess up everything. Really mess up everything. I’ll make my own ppl angry. I’ll make my own ppl to go away from me. Smthing like I’ll myself make my breath to stop, I myself make me angry, I myself will hit my head.

 If I got that software, I’ll make all the entries in that s/w about the different different situation and the expected response or a message pop-up. So @ proper time I’ll behave properly. I remember I asked some highly technical guy @IBM who was telling me abt his 10 filled patents related to software… “that is it possible to read human mind through s/w”. And he said YES. “A software can read human mind”. Now I am w8ing for that software to come in market.